Thursday, 5 May 2011

Welcome to Glob

Salutations simpletons. I am Haggar, and this is my divine blog, filled with breaking news, hypnotic Jews and a new and improved version of  'That's Horse Shit!', a segment currently in development by my college and co-contributor, Stylised (don't ask).

 Now let's get one thing straight; even though this is technically called a 'blog', I don't want you kid's going around and telling your friends you've discovered a new and awesome and sexually rousing, quotation mark blog quotation mark. It sounds about as exciting as transsexual hobbit giving you a strip tease and twice as ugly. So from this moment on, we will call this suave little page 'Glob'. Or 'Glob: The greatest place on the internet'. I know what you're thinking; 'This sentence made jizz in my pantaloons out of sheer excitement'. Normally one may find that a rather disturbing thing, but I think you should hang on to that feeling. Become one with it. Lemons.

 The other topic on the agenda is actually the least important thing of all. That is, exactly what will my 'articles' (couldn't say that with a straight face now could I Stylised?) consist of? Am I simply making another personal online diary in which we all know people just love to read and respond to [read: They like it about as much as getting raped]? Or will I simply post a whole lot of random, pointless junk that is fuelled solely by my own opinions and ideas? Well...sort of.

 See, I already have a tendency to not update Glob very much (You still remember the name right?). Hell, it took me four, now going on five weeks just to get this introductory rushed out so Stylised would just SHUT THE FUCK UP (It's like having Wheatley from Portal 2 stuck in your head. Except he sounds like a rabid cockatoo yelling 'UPDATE UPDATE DID YOU UPDATE YET? UPDATE UP-). So if I stop being a sloth and start acting like a horse (Take that as a metaphor if you really want), you will most definitely see more, more often.

 Now as for actually answering the question in the third paragraph, no, I will not turn this place into a personal diary. That's just homosex. And it's rubbish. Literally. From games, to movies, to current affairs, Stylised and I will cover generally whatever we feel  deserves to grace our stupendously sexy Glob. And while opinionated, we won't be going as far as say, Yahtzee (guy is hilarious, but tends to drag on at times). Now do us (me at least) a favour and remember this one, vital snippet of information: I'm a noob. While I do wish to do this type of thing in the future, I don't exactly have much experience. Neither does Stylised (Who, on a different note, want's to become a gigolo. We'll tease him about that in due time). Don't be braking my balls now. But by all means brake Stylised's ones. That shit would be hilarious.

 That's all there is for now (personal identity isn't something that interests you, the reader, so let's just dance around that for now). Glob will be updated whenever it deserves to be updated, so don't hold your breath (not that you are). So sit back, relax, and enjoy the show. Well, technically there's no show, but it's kind of like waiting for Half-Life 2 Episode 3. You know it's coming, but you don't know when. That's when you begin to start teasing Gabe Newell's weight (It really is worth it) and make amusing remixes like these: 


 Hope you enjoyed it, bye for now guise!

EDIT: You fucking suck dude. -Stylised


  1. I must follow you to the depth of Mordor, Haggar!