Wednesday, 18 May 2011

Portal 2 Review V2

Hello everyone, this is the new and improved review for the critically acclaimed Portal 2, developed by Valve. I've gotten this game thinking it would be full of humour, many characters, a FPS and that it wouldn't have day one DLC. In today's society, you don't ever really know what you're buying anymore until you've tried it, and this is shown in Portal 2.

For an FPS game, you'd expect a multitude of guns, that you know, shoot bullets. Apparently first person shooters don't need guns to fit into that genre anymore. You are instead equipped with a portal device that shoots uh... holes. The objective of the game is to walk through these holes and make it to the next room by putting a box on a big red button. I wish I were kidding, but this is all there is to this game.

The rooms you walk into are white and grey and black. As we all know, good graphics make good games, and based on this equation, Portal 2 would rate very low indeed. There are no beautiful scenes, instead Valve rearranged rooms from Portal (1) hoping that we wouldn't notice that there was no improvement on general graphics. Sure, there's a random plant growing right in the middle of the sea of white and grey and black, but other than that, the rooms from both Portals look exactly the same.

Talking about the rooms and such, let's talk about the metaphorical corridors of linearity. Valve hands you your portal device, an instruction manual for how you're to go about first person shooting for that particular room, and hey, you complete your objective. There is only one solution for each room that you enter, and Valve makes sure they hold your hand tight in case you start getting creative.

There are a total of 3 characters in this fps, two of which are robots. Seems like some organisation is getting lazy to me. You'd think that these characters would spout out some wit to dull the sense of linear progression that this game provides. Instead you're stuck with a mute and two robots who buzz idiocy into your ear to make you more stupid, so maybe you won't notice how much of a bad game this is. Their supposed humour would affect children and very primitive adults.

These robots also act as a kind of mouthpiece for TELLING you the story. They are so fucking annoying. They are useless and have no purpose. Show me the story, I want to experience a game, not a novel.

The sound is pretty average.

Day one DLC. Literally, things that could have been put into a game very easily, and an inexcusable attempt at a grab for your loyal customer's money. You may tell yourself that this DLC has no impact on the game at all, but that is absolutely false. A story isn't required in a game either, but companys still provice you with one to complete the game. Not giving out skins to pimp your robots defies customisation and the gamer's need to feel as if he's in the game. It's called immersion, a word that Valve should check the meaning of.

With all the praise that this game has been getting, I was expecting some actual fun instead of repetetive boredom, however, this game has once again proved that the internet is full of dimwits who follow at Valve's feet and hastily eat all the shit that they hand out once every 2 years. Portal 2 is perfect and has no flaws, and I have the ability to use my balls as a hot air balloon and zip around the planet saving African people from starvation.

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